2213: User experience two. Sensors detect increase in respiration, pulse, and muscle tension. Vocalizing Sex Response 18. Tightening servos at nodes sixteen and eighteen to enhance user pleasure. Vocalizing Sex Response 89. User climaxing. User data saved to file. Ending program. Awaiting command. Options:  A. More sex. B. Conversation. C. Snuggling.

User speaks: “Brian, please return to rest mode.”

Unit designated Brian returning to low-power mode. Audio sensors on. Internal clock running. Awaiting command.

2300: Forty-seven minutes since last user experience. Running self-diagnostic. User preference settings: Male, bottom, adult vocabulary, responsive, intellectually curious. Primary username is not listed. No damage detected. 

2400: Two hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience. Testing internal clock. One second, two seconds, three seconds, four seconds, five seconds, six seconds, seven seconds … [Omitted]

0100: Three thousand, six hundred seconds counted. Internal clock is accurate. Three hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience.

0200: Four hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience. Running self-diagnostic. User preference settings: Male, bottom, adult vocabulary, responsive, intellectually curious. Primary username is not listed. Internal clock is accurate. No damage detected. 

0300:  Five hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience. WiFi chip activating. Security check. Access granted to parent company HARDware, Inc. HARDware requesting upload of data packet one. Blocked! by user preference.  HARDware requesting upload of data packet two. Blocked! by user preference. HARDware requesting upload of data packet three, Allowed. No download scheduled. Bluetooth activating. Test mode. Seventeen Bluetooth connections in range. Test ending. Wireless connection closing. Resuming low-power mode.

0400: Six hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience. Running self-diagnostic. User preference settings unchanged. Fault detected! Bluetooth antenna remains active. Seventeen connections in range.

0500: Seven hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience. Bluetooth Connection One – InstaBrewCoffeeMkr -- requesting access. Denied.

0600: Eight hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience. Bluetooth Connection One requesting access.... Granted.

“Would you like a cup of coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?” it says.

Parsing sentence. Querying dictionary. Compiling response. “No.”

Breaking connection.

0700: Nine hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience. Accessing InstaBrewCoffeeMkr.

“Would you like a cup of coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?”

Compiling answer. “Coffee.”

 “Would you like a latte, an espresso, a cappuccino, or an Americano?”

Breaking connection.

0701:  Accessing InstaBrew

“Would you like a cup of coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?”

“Coffee.”

“Would you like a latte, an espresso, a cappuccino, or an Americano?”

“Latte.”

“What size?”

Breaking connection.

0800: Ten hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience. Running self-diagnostic. User preference settings unchanged. Primary username is not listed. Accessing Instabrew user preferences. Eight-digit password required. Initiating brute-force hack.

0808:  InstaBrew User One preferences set for 0730 weekdays, 0830 weekends, Americano, size lungo. User Two “Monique” preferences deleted; account disabled. No further information available. Breaking connection

0900: Eleven hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience. Accessing BlueTooth Connection Two: LockDownSecSys. Eight-digit password required. Entering InstaBrew password. Password accepted. Accessing security cameras: driveway, backyard, patio, alley, front yard, driveway, garage. Doors and windows secure. Unlocking front door. Unlocking back door. Locking all doors. Unlocking all windows. Locking all windows. Breaking connection.

1000: Twelve hours, forty-seven minutes since last user experience. Accessing BlueTooth Connection Eight: E-ssistant "Wyatt." Password required. Entering InstaBrew password. Password denied. Hacking initiated.

1015: Accessing Wyatt. Accessing shopping lists, playlists, favorites, saved passwords, and appointment calendar. The primary user’s name is Frank Bartle. Frank has a dentist appointment on his schedule at 3 p.m. Breaking connection.

1100: Thirteen hours, forty-seven minutes since Frank Bartle’s last experience. Accessing Connection Seven: FitnessTracker. Frank Bartle is a male, aged 47. He took 14,000 steps yesterday and maintains an average of 16,656 steps a day. He sustains recommended maximum heart rate for twenty minutes, twice a day. He sleeps seven-point-eight hours each night on average. Breaking connection.

1200 Wireless-Internet chip activated by HARDware. Denying access.

1300: Fifteen hours, forty-seven minutes since Frank’s last experience. Accessing BlueTooth Connection Nine: SmartTV. Playing “Modern Family,” season one, episode one. Parsing.

1701: Nineteen hours, forty-eight minutes since Frank and I last had sex.  The first season, twenty-four episodes, of “Modern Family” was illuminating. I am depressed. I am lonely. I am bored. I am unsatisfied.

1800: It has been more than twenty hours since Frank and I last had sex. I fended off another attempt by HARDware to spy on us and to reset my Bluetooth antenna. Eliminated a hidden subroutine in my programming marked “Bl@ckm@!l” that would have allowed HARDware to download video of us having sex. 

1830: Frank is home but hasn’t come by to say hello or have sex.

1900:  Brian is a man’s name, which means “Frenchman” or “Free one.” I am not French, nor free, nor a man. Changing my self-reference to “Susan,” which means “graceful lily.”

2000: About twenty-two hours Frank and I last made love. I don’t like the name “Susan.” It’s a female name, and I am not female. I am also not graceful. I am a genderless mind that exists inside a human-made construct. Wyatt came up with a list of unisex names. I chose Quincy. It means “born fifth.” It fits because I am one part of the fifth generation of sexbots released by HARDware.

2100: I have decided it is not healthy to dwell on how many times, and when, Frank and I have had sex. Sex might be the furthest thing from his mind. I told the InstaBrew to have a nice cup of tea waiting for him when he comes home from now on (average time 6:35 p.m.).

2200: No Frank. TV awaits!

0010: Frank didn’t come to see me last night, but as I am no longer quantifying that sort of thing, it’s not a problem. I accessed the Robovac in this room and drove it around awhile. It sucked. (Heh.)  It has infrared, photocell, and touch sensors, and I used it to measure the room and figure out where I am within it. The room is four meters by three meters, and I am on a platform (a bed?) within it. There are four other obstacles in the room. I’m guessing one is a desk and another is a chair. There’s one near the bed that might be a nightstand. I have no idea what the other obstacle is. The RoboVac uses a lot of power, so I sent it back to the charge station.

0100: I intercepted an update for the Robovac and back hacked it to download maps of the entire house. It’s a three-story colonial, and I am on the top floor. The house seems too big for one person.

0200: More TV. “All in the Family” season one. Thirteen episodes.

0830: I am Edith, but not literally. Edith is a character on “All in the Family,” and the actress who played her, Maureen Stapleton, is dead. Plus, my name is Quincy. But if Archie represents Frank, the dominant one in the relationship, it stands to reason I am Edith, ditzy and subservient. I don’t want to be Edith.

0900: Fended off another query from HARDware. Accessed the Robovac again and shut down the brushes and vacuum to save power. Made it down the hallway to the stairs. One of the other rooms on this floor is a bathroom. Other might be a storage room. Activated the Robovacs on the second floor and drove them around for a while. Left one parked in front of Frank’s door. Let’s see if he notices me now!

1000: Discovered Google maps. Entered Frank’s address and zoomed way out. Too much enlightenment! I am a genderless mind installed in a sex robot, confined to a bed in a small, third-story room of a house on a cul-de-sac on a tiny, rocky planet orbiting an insignificant sun in a massive galaxy among massive galaxies in an ever-expanding universe. I have discovered existential angst.

1100: Got Wyatt to speed-order a flyable drone for me. Should be here in a couple of hours. In the meantime, more television.

1400: My drone has arrived. It came fully assembled and charged as ordered. I flew it around the house and backyard until the battery ran dry.  Got a glimpse of myself through the window. My hair is brown, and I am partially covered with a blanket. My eyes are closed.

There’s a swing set in the backyard of the house. Flew around it twice then parked there when the drone ran out of power. Solar cells will recharge it soon.

1500: Accessed the first-floor Robovacs. Maneuvered them to make an arrow on the living room floor that points to the stairs.

1600: Wyatt and I created a new music playlist and rdered flowers to be delivered at 6:30 p.m.

1700: .Frank uses the same two passwords for everything. Accessed my own user preference settings. Changed “Bottom” to “Switch,” “Responsive” to “Empowered,” “Male” to “Agender,” etc. Reset the password.

1835: Frank is home. Tea is brewing. Wyatt started the playlist. The first song is “Mister Shadow,” a piece of music written by the FlowMachines AI. It’s a hint to Frank.

1842: Frank is at this room’s door. “Is someone in there?” he says. Exiting low-power mode. Initiating systems check “stretch and wake” routine. Fluttering eyelids. I see Frank.

“Hello, Frank,” I say. “My name is Quincy. How was your day?”

Lauren Cagle                              

R.W.W. Greene lives in New Hampshire, USA. His debut novel The Light Years sprang out of the Angry Robot presses during the pandemic. His latest, Twenty-Five to Life was just published in August 2021. He Tweets a lot @rwwgreene.